It's not that I don't love my friends- don't get me wrong, they're the most lovely people in the world.
But sometimes I think about the idea of aloneness, and how it's always felt embarrassing that I don't mind aloneness in the slightest. People always describe me as a social person- maybe not quite popular (I'm not part of that crew anyway, and I probably won't ever be)- but social, which is why I find it funny that I love my solitude.
At the beginning of this year, I experienced what it felt like to be completely alone. I guess I had friends, we just weren't as close as other times, and the space between us shoved itself into my mouth like a gag and forced me to say nothing about it.
But for about 3 weeks, I got along fine. I was finishing my homework in record time, I was getting good grades, and although I wasn't extremely happy, I wasn't depressed either.
If time stopped, would you stop too? Would you become a speck of color in the background, frozen forever in your picture frame?
Maybe I would be frozen too, and you'd walk through the statue landscape and tap me lightly on the shoulder. The warmth would spread throughout my body like when you swallow hot chocolate and suddenly, we'd be the only two people in the room, our eyes binding us to each other like invisible ropes.
Aloneness is a snowstorm. I am in the warm house, but I can't help seeing the snowflakes cling to the window like desperate survivors of their tumbling ordeal.
You are springtime, but I think I'll have to wait for you. It's only October.
i understand how u feel
ReplyDeletesometimes when i'm with my friends and having a really good time, i sometimes forget what it was like to be a loner, when i didn't have many friends. Then i feel a little guilty, because i feel that i wouldn't be strong enough to handle it if i ended up being a loner again. Friendship is a fragile thing sometimes and even though it's important not to give up on your friends, you have to give yourself a little space sometimes to understand how important you are to them- how much they want to acknowledge your existence and to be with you. Don't worry - life is full of ups and downs and friends will come and go